The Naked Truth
THE RIGHT TO BARE ARMS
And legs. And bums.
We wear clothes for a variety of reasons. Clothes keep us warm. Clothes look nice and we can create unique looks with them to attract mates, to be part of a group of people, to feel good about ourselves or to get attention. Uniforms can signify authority (police and doctors), help (firefighters), beliefs (KKK), religion (dog collars) or conformity (school blazers). Clothes can make us the same and clothes can make us different. No other animals wear clothes, apart from some of our companion animals, and that’s not through choice. It takes three quarters of a pound of pesticides to make one pair of conventional cotton shorts. If we believed in the word “should” then that should be illegal. Our society dictates that it’s better to pollute our planet than to behave naturally. Insanity rules, but not for much longer thanks to the looming clothing optional revolution.
Clothes are cooked
Just as we advocate a raw food diet, unlimited love and non-attachment, we also advocate the right to be naked whenever we choose. The law is kind of on our side, too. Until the revolution, you may want to take note of it because although it’s not illegal in England and Wales to be naked, the smallprint may catch you bang to rights, gov.
There are only two laws that cover nakedness:
‘Indecent Exposure’ and ‘Breach of the Peace’.
“Enough LOLing about, kidz. Eat some proper words for breakfast.” — The Doxtor
In English Law there are two types of indecent exposure. A statutory offence is where a male ‘exposes his person (person is legalese for penis — after all, most men name theirs…) with intent to insult a female’. It is a sexual offence, so there must be a sexual motive to it. If the penis (or person) in question is not erect, it’s unlikely prosecution could succeed. The female who saw the erect person must be offended by the behaviour. Females can’t commit this offence and men can’t commit this offence towards other men or animals, not even dolfishes.
The Common Law offence of indecent exposure is different. This is not a sexual offence, it’s based on ‘indecency’. It can be committed by either gender without intent. This is the law that gets naked people into hot water when all they want to do is be normal. The law doesn’t actually specify what ‘indecent’ means, so it’s open to interpretation (and potential abuse) by the courts. This offence is seen as minor but it could be used to prosecute a flasher where intent can’t be proved for a statutory prosecution. If you’re found guilty of being indecent you’ll get bound over to keep the peace. Yeah, naked people are much more risky to innocent bystanders than those who can hide a gun in their pocket.
The Breach of the Peace law is over 600 years old and is so vague it can work whenever it’s needed. If you are doing anything that is seen to disturb The Queen’s Peace (the normal state of society), you can get nicked for it. So actually it works in favour of normalists because if you’re being normal where you’re “allowed” or “expected” to be (IE a nudist beach), you’ll never be harassed because you’re not behaving differently to the expected norm.
However, if you’re shopping in M&S for sunflower sausages and kundalini falafel, you may find yourself getting bound over to keep the peace as above, or even a stronger sentence if you reoffend or refuse to be bound over. Move away from the fridge, put your hands up, and slowly turn round…
The law is a donkey
Once, I was in the shower at a recreational centre after doing a Ye Olde 3D Worlde step class. We’d all heard of the illusive Pant Wanker and knew we were not to leave our undies out where they could be abused and made sticky by this man. But nobody had ever actually seen him.
“Shazzie’s like Einstein because she likes to run down the street dripping wet and naked.”
As I bent down to pick up my shampoo I saw a man standing there, arm reached out to a small white piece of clothing on a peg. It was the Pant Wanker. Without hesitation, I ran towards him, screaming. With a look of terror and confusion, he ran out of the changing rooms. Not having time to find my towel, I ran out after him naked, shouting “Get that man, get that man, it’s the Pant Wanker.” He was stopped by staff and I went to get dressed.
When I came out of the changing room, everyone was looking at me strangely because I was more concerned with catching the Pant Wanker than being naked in public.
True to British law, it went to court and the Pant Wanker was found not guilty. The fact that I’d run naked through the sports centre seemed to have made me an unreliable witness, as no sane woman would have done that. He said he’d accidentally wandered into the ladies changing rooms as he couldn’t read. It had a picture of a woman in a skirt on the door.
The life of a tanlinephobic
I’ve always gone out of my way to sunbathe naked. With two near arrests and several traffic-stopping situations to boast about at parties, I take being naked very seriously indeed. I don’t do it to excess and I don’t embarrass others, but if I can get away with being naked, I will. Tan lines are ugly, and my cho cho needs the sun and air on it, it was designed to have it and have it, it will.
We need vitamin D for healthy bones and good hormone function. Direct sunshine is the biggest source of vitamin D. Clothing deprives us access to it and the more we wear, the harder it is to get enough vitamin D.
Conversely, the more skin that’s exposed to the sun, the quicker we can reach our vitamin D quota, so we have less chance of burning. People with darker skin need more time in the sun to get enough vitamin D, so they should be naked longer. Instead of cigarette breaks, companies would be wise to offer sunbathing breaks. Vitamin D is known to prevent cancer and so this simple action could increase workforce productivity. Er, until the revolution!
Such a sensitive sole
If you’re not ready to be naked in public yet, then start by baring your soles. Walk to the shops or through fields with nothing on your feet. Enjoy feeling your connection to the earth.
Gradually uncover more and more of your body as you feel comfortable with it. Don’t restrict skin exposure to the summer. The winter months bring many opportunities for air and light bathing. Air and light bathing will increase your sense of wellbeing, and will also treat several diseases. In addition, your metabolism can increase by around fifty per cent in just ten minutes! There has never been a better reason to get your kit off, so join me in burning your bra. And knickers. And skirt. And definitely your KKK outfit.
Get your chops round this, porn pig
Dairy Mail readers and Daily Milk eaters may always tut tut at nudity over their eggs benedict, because these are the kind of people who still boxtor up sex and the body. They are also the ones who do all that car keys in a bowl nonsense. And they frequently take an extra helping of Cereal Monogamy to keep them regular. These are the people who behave furtively with extra marital text sex. These are the people who are not true to themselves.
These are the people who haven’t integrated themselves as Ecstatic Beings. Yet.
As Ecstatic Beings, we frequently send love to those who choose not to accept the beautiful naked body in all its glory. And we know that once they’ve partaken in some of our very special ecstacake, all their surplus clothes will dissolve, alongside all their other preconceptions.
Eat me. Drink me. Be merrily fleshy with me.
(Extracted from my book Ecstatic Beings)
PS: I’ve put together an awesome free trial of my life mastery club, Shazzie’s VIP Room. Just sign up here and take the tour of love.